My mind keeps drifting to the concept of sadness. All my life sadness has followed me like a shadow. I have tried all sorts of ways to elude it. I have tried to hide from it. When I was a child I used to think if I could make myself small and be really quiet and still and hold my breath I would be almost invisible and maybe sadness wouldn’t find me. Sometimes I thought if I could make myself big and terrible, like Oz, sadness would fear me too much to come around. Sadness always found me. Sadness hurt me. It took my family from me. It took my innocence and my joy. It would sometimes so consume me that I thought there would be no ME left. Sometimes I almost let it. Sometimes I began to welcome the thought of NO ME.
Then lately this idea that sadness need not be a bad thing has taken root in my mind and in trying to explore how something so desolate and painful could have a place in my life I am trying to accept what it brings. There is a polarity in the universe. Night needs day. Summer needs winter. Life cannot be without death. Maybe happiness needs sadness, not just for contrast but for harmony. Maybe instead of being afraid of sadness or trying to bully sadness I should just accept it as having a place in my universe. When I think of happiness I think of something light and fluffy like cumulus clouds on a summer day, or pink cotton candy, or meringue kisses. Happiness is easy. Happiness is a delicate and wondrous flower.
What if I could stand outside sadness and see it without judgment? What if I could stand apart and look at sadness as something that happens to me and is not me. Would I see that when sadness comes to me I am allowed to touch the bottom of my very being? Could I then view sadness as something of beauty? Sadness has a depth to it that happiness does not and in fact it is our judgment that keeps us from understanding. Sadness is sad because we do not like it, because we do not want to be in it, because we reject it. What if I could see my sadness as something of beauty that gives meaning to my joy? What if I could see sadness as a beautiful flower too, bringing beauty and harmony? Wouldn’t sadness become a part of happiness and allow me to have a richness of color and texture and a depth to my happiness that it would not have otherwise? When people laugh who have had great sadness their laughter has richness to it like you can hear the sadness is in the laughter too.
How wonderful if I could do all these things. How at peace I might be. I think if I could believe in this I might be closer to the understanding I seek..