Monthly Archives: December 2019

New Year

Milkweed Seeds…

As 2019 comes to a close my mind wanders back in time. That’s not always a good thing, and definitely a challenge to wander only in the sweet scented meadows and to skirt the memories of dark shadows of the storms of ill decisions and desperation and pain and sorrows.

Oh I know all the clichés about the hills and the valleys, the light and the dark, the sorrow and the joy, the ups and the downs. I know that without the darkness I cannot see the stars. I know that Life is not a straight line. I know that there is a purpose unto heaven, but sometimes my faith falters.

Disappointment and shame can lead to self loathing and that is a pain that seizes the heart in a vise and squeezes the life right out of it.

As a child I was once told that I didn’t deserve nice things. I had been given a new umbrella and left it at Memorial Stadium when I went to see the Ringling Brothers Circus. It was a beautiful umbrella with a dark green and blue tartan design and I was so proud to have it. Losing it was painful to me and frustrating that it was only myself I had to blame, not to mention the punishment of being told I didn’t deserve nice things. There is a part of me that believes this may be true.

I had and still have, a propensity to get scattered and to lose or break things. People have often taken this as a lack of appreciation on my part, for if I truly wanted to be mindful and careful I could be. Maybe that is true but my heart tells me that there is more to it than that because I have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to be mindful. It works for a while, but sooner or later I get complacent and that leads to exuberance without forethought and the next thing I know I have dropped my camera in the river, ruining it forever, or carelessly said something or did something that hurt the people I love.

I have been blessed in so many ways and have so much to be grateful for, and I am. But that doesn’t stop the feelings of worthlessness. I wish I believed in absolution of sin, but I do not. I believe there can only be acceptance and that seems to elude me. Maybe there can be atonement or a way to make amends, but there is not a way to simply bundle up the sadness and pain I have caused into an old burlap sack and tie it with a string and fling it out into the Universe to be consumed in a ball of fire, or bury it deep within the Earth where it might change and bring forth new life. Alas, there is no place to put it where it couldn’t be found, or any way to destroy it forever.

So I will begin again with resolutions to be mindful and to accept myself and to try and be a better person. Hope will come again, as it always does, but until then may I learn to accept my weaknesses and my foibles and to ever strive to hold my face to the Light and walk toward a vision of a brighter day, and recover that feeling of certainty that sometimes comes that lifts me and reassures me that I am loved and that every layer of who I am serves a positive purpose unto Heaven.

Thanks for reading my musings and rants and being my friends. I love y’all 💜💜💜

Haunts of Past

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

I traveled to old haunts today and memories of sadness and joy and pain and love swirled around me like a mist. I tried not to think of specifics but of feelings and perceptions. I walked in the mist and felt the colors and the textures of the cloak of my yesterdays as they blended until they melded into a form I could accept. I knew I needed to come to peace with my past, for I knew I needed to let go of old resentments. I needed to forgive myself for so many transgressions, for then and only then could the beauty of the past shine through like sun through the fog and I could find the good and embrace the lessons. The cloak that once felt rough and heavy began to lighten to an almost translucent and soft shimmer and I wrapped myself gently in it.

Searching

Photo is closeup of a chicken. When I showed it to my dear friend Mik he laughed and said I was the only one he knows who would see the beauty in a chicken. Don’t think thats true but he made me smile.

You and I will meet again

When we’re least expecting it

One day in some far off place

I will recognize your face

I won’t say goodbye my friend

For you and I will meet again

~Tom Petty

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

Sitting in the quiet and enjoying it I am reminded of something I heard once that said people aren’t so much afraid of death as they are afraid of being forgotten. I feel an urgency to put my thoughts down so that years and years from now someone will pick it up and really want to know what thoughts I had, not because they are profound, but because they want to know who I was. What purpose can there be in living if not to search for understanding. Without the search days pass one by one mindlessly. The quest is all about the journey. It gives us hope. It need not be frantic or furtive. Just keep your eyes open and your heart warm. Sometimes it will slap you hard in the face like a biting wind on a northern slope. Other times it will seep into your soul with hardly a ripple. Be vulnerable

SADNESS WITH A SMILE

My mind keeps drifting to the concept of sadness. All my life sadness has followed me like a shadow. I have tried all sorts of ways to elude it. I have tried to hide from it. When I was a child I used to think if I could make myself small and be really quiet and still and hold my breath I would be almost invisible and maybe sadness wouldn’t find me. Sometimes I thought if I could make myself big and terrible, like Oz, sadness would fear me too much to come around. Sadness always found me. Sadness hurt me. It took my family from me. It took my innocence and my joy. It would sometimes so consume me that I thought there would be no ME left. Sometimes I almost let it. Sometimes I began to welcome the thought of NO ME.

Then lately this idea that sadness need not be a bad thing has taken root in my mind and in trying to explore how something so desolate and painful could have a place in my life I am trying to accept what it brings. There is a polarity in the universe. Night needs day. Summer needs winter. Life cannot be without death. Maybe happiness needs sadness, not just for contrast but for harmony. Maybe instead of being afraid of sadness or trying to bully sadness I should just accept it as having a place in my universe. When I think of happiness I think of something light and fluffy like cumulus clouds on a summer day, or pink cotton candy, or meringue kisses. Happiness is easy. Happiness is a delicate and wondrous flower.

What if I could stand outside sadness and see it without judgment? What if I could stand apart and look at sadness as something that happens to me and is not me. Would I see that when sadness comes to me I am allowed to touch the bottom of my very being? Could I then view sadness as something of beauty? Sadness has a depth to it that happiness does not and in fact it is our judgment that keeps us from understanding. Sadness is sad because we do not like it, because we do not want to be in it, because we reject it. What if I could see my sadness as something of beauty that gives meaning to my joy? What if I could see sadness as a beautiful flower too, bringing beauty and harmony? Wouldn’t sadness become a part of happiness and allow me to have a richness of color and texture and a depth to my happiness that it would not have otherwise? When people laugh who have had great sadness their laughter has richness to it like you can hear the sadness is in the laughter too.

How wonderful if I could do all these things. How at peace I might be. I think if I could believe in this I might be closer to the understanding I seek..