As 2019 comes to a close my mind wanders back in time. That’s not always a good thing, and definitely a challenge to wander only in the sweet scented meadows and to skirt the memories of dark shadows of the storms of ill decisions and desperation and pain and sorrows.
Oh I know all the clichés about the hills and the valleys, the light and the dark, the sorrow and the joy, the ups and the downs. I know that without the darkness I cannot see the stars. I know that Life is not a straight line. I know that there is a purpose unto heaven, but sometimes my faith falters.
Disappointment and shame can lead to self loathing and that is a pain that seizes the heart in a vise and squeezes the life right out of it.
As a child I was once told that I didn’t deserve nice things. I had been given a new umbrella and left it at Memorial Stadium when I went to see the Ringling Brothers Circus. It was a beautiful umbrella with a dark green and blue tartan design and I was so proud to have it. Losing it was painful to me and frustrating that it was only myself I had to blame, not to mention the punishment of being told I didn’t deserve nice things. There is a part of me that believes this may be true.
I had and still have, a propensity to get scattered and to lose or break things. People have often taken this as a lack of appreciation on my part, for if I truly wanted to be mindful and careful I could be. Maybe that is true but my heart tells me that there is more to it than that because I have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to be mindful. It works for a while, but sooner or later I get complacent and that leads to exuberance without forethought and the next thing I know I have dropped my camera in the river, ruining it forever, or carelessly said something or did something that hurt the people I love.
I have been blessed in so many ways and have so much to be grateful for, and I am. But that doesn’t stop the feelings of worthlessness. I wish I believed in absolution of sin, but I do not. I believe there can only be acceptance and that seems to elude me. Maybe there can be atonement or a way to make amends, but there is not a way to simply bundle up the sadness and pain I have caused into an old burlap sack and tie it with a string and fling it out into the Universe to be consumed in a ball of fire, or bury it deep within the Earth where it might change and bring forth new life. Alas, there is no place to put it where it couldn’t be found, or any way to destroy it forever.
So I will begin again with resolutions to be mindful and to accept myself and to try and be a better person. Hope will come again, as it always does, but until then may I learn to accept my weaknesses and my foibles and to ever strive to hold my face to the Light and walk toward a vision of a brighter day, and recover that feeling of certainty that sometimes comes that lifts me and reassures me that I am loved and that every layer of who I am serves a positive purpose unto Heaven.
Thanks for reading my musings and rants and being my friends. I love y’all 💜💜💜