My mind keeps drifting to the concept of sadness. All my life sadness has followed me like a shadow. I have tried all sorts of ways to elude it. I have tried to hide from it. When I was a child I used to think if I could make myself small and be really quiet and still and hold my breath I would be almost invisible and maybe sadness wouldn’t find me. Sometimes I thought if I could make myself big and terrible, like Oz, sadness would fear me too much to come around. Sadness always found me. Sadness hurt me. It took my family from me. It took my innocence and my joy. It would sometimes so consume me that I thought there would be no ME left. Sometimes I almost let it. Sometimes I began to welcome the thought of NO ME.

Then lately this idea that sadness need not be a bad thing has taken root in my mind and in trying to explore how something so desolate and painful could have a place in my life I am trying to accept what it brings. There is a polarity in the universe. Night needs day. Summer needs winter. Life cannot be without death. Maybe happiness needs sadness, not just for contrast but for harmony. Maybe instead of being afraid of sadness or trying to bully sadness I should just accept it as having a place in my universe. When I think of happiness I think of something light and fluffy like cumulus clouds on a summer day, or pink cotton candy, or meringue kisses. Happiness is easy. Happiness is a delicate and wondrous flower.

What if I could stand outside sadness and see it without judgment? What if I could stand apart and look at sadness as something that happens to me and is not me. Would I see that when sadness comes to me I am allowed to touch the bottom of my very being? Could I then view sadness as something of beauty? Sadness has a depth to it that happiness does not and in fact it is our judgment that keeps us from understanding. Sadness is sad because we do not like it, because we do not want to be in it, because we reject it. What if I could see my sadness as something of beauty that gives meaning to my joy? What if I could see sadness as a beautiful flower too, bringing beauty and harmony? Wouldn’t sadness become a part of happiness and allow me to have a richness of color and texture and a depth to my happiness that it would not have otherwise? When people laugh who have had great sadness their laughter has richness to it like you can hear the sadness is in the laughter too.

How wonderful if I could do all these things. How at peace I might be. I think if I could believe in this I might be closer to the understanding I seek..

October 20, Sassafras Leaf & Lichen Rock

Life is a dance that I can’t seem to learn, a dance whose rhythm seems to change just when I think I recognize the song and my feet are starting to move without conscious thought and effort, as if the dance comes naturally.

THEN BAM!

The beat changes and I find myself on unfamiliar ground, or the earth moves and my feet become entangled and down I go.

Sometimes I crumble gracefully to the ground and then pick myself up and listen to the new beat and start again and no one notices the fall wasn’t part of the choreography.

Other times, it is almost like I have time traveled and been suddenly thrust into a new setting with no awareness of how I got there. I might have been waltzing in the sunlight along the mossy banks of a magical stream, a stream that sings to me, when I suddenly find myself in the middle of a busy intersection of New York City. Cars are whizzing by and splashing mud from the street onto my dress. There is a song around me that seems not to have any discernible melody and try as I might I cannot feel the vibration as anything but noise, painful noise. There are other people around me. They are whirling and twirling and swaying with such beauty that there is no way they are hearing what I am hearing. Why don’t they see my pain? They are oblivious to my fear and the danger I see.

I remember as a child being told I could not sing, and if I could not carry a tune or sing in key then I was positive I could not dance.

So I danced alone. I danced in my dreams. I even ballet danced on my toes. In my mind I could dance all sorts of dances. I could leap with grace. I even imagined dances made of anger. But I never ever danced in front of people. As I grew older I danced behind the barn. I danced in the moonlight.

I wish with all my heart that I could learn this dance of life, that I could hear the changes of the timing and the beat and the rhythm and move from one to the other effortlessly. I imagine a stage where I dance a ballet by the shore of an ancient lake to a melody of hope and desire, and then the lights on the stage dim and when they brighten again I am a tap dancer. I am making the music. I am tapping out the rhythm of my life with ease and joy. I can even imagine the “tap dancer me” kicking off her shoes and beginning to Hip Hop an interpretation of her life, complete with breaking, popping, locking and krumping.

I want to understand the moves and hear the sad notes with the certainty that joyous notes will follow. I want to be a master improvisational dancer.

I want to be the music.

Photo….. rain dripping from a spider web

When the path is smooth and we aren’t challenged it is easy to think we have some answers. But when the path grows rocky and the light dims and fear overtakes our assuredness then those answers melt, shimmer like a mirage, and fade. We may even question their validity. It isn’t that the answers are wrong so much as they become illusive and the lessons that gave them to us often must be learned again. Sometimes the lessons may seem the same but what we learn takes on a new richness and understanding and changes us. Do not be afraid to travel that new path and study life from a different vantage point. Actually it is ok to be afraid, just don’t let the fear consume your ability to find the courage to skip on ahead. If you don’t feel like skipping just mosey. In fact you may sometimes simply feel like tiptoeing and that is cool too. Just keep on keeping on. Why?

Because the beat goes on…..

MYSTICAL AWARENESS

AUTUMN REFLECTIONS ON THE WATER

I asked

I begged

I prayed

I was gifted

A glimpse

The Fall Equinox

Equinox literally means “equal night.” Day and night are each 12 hours, and the sun rises in true east and sets in true west. The Sun appears to “stand still” and find balance and strength before continuing. It feels like a pause to me. Like a high wire artist who stops in mid performance to check his footing and his balance and progress before taking another foot off the wire. The Equinox is a time for us to find our balance for as the season changes so does our focus and perception.

I have always loved marking time through the changing of seasons. Only now I like to mark time in small increments, moment by moment, and not in big chunks, or with a vision too far ahead. Though I look at fall as a chance to gather and harvest and store for winter and that means a time of reflection to me. It is not unlike a threshold between what was and what will be.

Fall is a time for gratitude and thanksgiving, and for looking back on lessons learned and preparations for adventures yet to come. For every moment we move forward with changes within us from our experiences and our contemplation. We are changed moment by moment. Do not be afraid of the changes for if nothing within us changes then the past will become our future. Sometimes this reflection will bring sadness with it and we don’t like sadness and sorrow. It is difficult to remember that they are part of the lessons as much as happiness and joy. They are the yin and yang and part of the balance.

So many people will let these days pass by without even acknowledging the Equinox. We have so far removed ourselves from Nature that we just keep scurrying here and there and we don’t allow ourselves this vital opportunity to reflect. You only learn from experience, and only gain wisdom from self-reflection and awareness of the whole story of your journey.

So let us align ourselves with the forces of Nature. Let us take time to sit and watch the leaves turn colors and prepare ourselves for an inward journey. In this quiet time let us gather together our experiences and let our wisdom become a part of who we are and therein find inspiration for the next part of our journey.

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.– Winston Churchill

Our country is caught up in political turmoil and rhetoric, much of it driven by fear. My wish today is that we find the strength to follow a spiritual path and know that political boundaries are often made by man to further an agenda that is self serving and driven by greed.

Do not be afraid to walk a righteous path that leads ALL of mankind into the Light. For I do not believe we will, any of us, get there alone. It is only in an unselfish desire to reach out and help others that we can walk that path and we cannot walk it in fear.

SYLVIA

May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.

That is an old Irish Blessing and I like it.

The photo is a closeup of the center of a Pink Lady Hellebore and she speaks to me of beauty and purpose. When I touched her the name Sylvia popped into my head and made me smile, so Sylvia she is 🙂

These last four months have been difficult and I’m ashamed to say not without a bit of self pity and self doubt and judgement of who I really am. Sometimes the anxiety and depression have lead me to panic and shake and question who I really am. I’ve gotten so scared I couldn’t think straight. Lessons I thought learned have been shown to only have been introductory, like Life 101 and left me wanting and needing to get more advanced but not sure I have what it takes. Maybe I have reached a time when I need the Waters of Life to be placid more often and not like white water rafting or an old fashioned rollercoaster with dips and turns that make me slightly nauseated.

I am much improved from my Reverse Shoulder Replacement Surgery and learning to use my right shoulder without a rotator cuff (surgeon removed). I still go to therapy twice a week and am gaining more range of motion but not enough to do things I once toolk for granted, like row or use my heavy camera with telephoto for wildlife. Getting back into actively working is coming up Wednesday as I try to substitute teach for the first time since April. It isn’t the physical activity but rather the knowledge that I simply have to do it to make ends meet. It is already proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be and Im only trying to get into a better frame of mind, but will try and face it, and accept the lessons it may bring. Even if I cannot do so with enthusiasm please let me do so with grace and dignity. May I find the courage to live my life with my face turned toward the Truth and my head held high.and may I not be ashamed of the tears that may fall.

Feeling Good…marking 3 months and two weeks since Reverse Shoulder Replacement surgery and finally emerging from a long strange trip with pain as my companion.

Last Poppy Petal…and the beat goes on…

I think that Iife is not a circle. It is a spiral. It is infinite.

It has gotten too warm for poppies, but I have truly enjoyed them. I admired this last petal with sadness until it occurred to me that the blossom was simply changing, not dying. There is no death, only ever changing. The energy of the cosmos goes on and on, what a marvelous plan. This poppy blossomed and attracted pollinators and now a beautiful seed pod will develop and burst open and new adventures will begin. I know it’s a tad out of focus but then so am I!

Ain’t Life a kick?

Fallen Impatiens Blossom

Sometimes I am sorely disappointed in myself. I see other people who seem to have life so much more under control. They don’t seem to see the world in ways that bring sadness and discouragement. It’s like they never walk in the shadows.

“No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest.”

― John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

July 22… I took a short cut through an old alleyway and paused in the shade. A vine growing from a crack in the bricks caught my eye and reminded me that I often see beauty when I calm my spirit and slow my vision from darting here and there and simply see what is in the quiet.

“With an eye made quiet by the power of harmony, and the deep power of joy, we see into the life of things.”

― William Wordsworth

Red Portulaca

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

― Mother Teresa

I am so tired of all the hatred and the violence and the revenge and the maligning and the maliciousness. It breaks me down and makes me so sad I think my heart will break. I am just an old Hippy Chick, living on a old sailboat who still believes in Love. I have to hang on to the Faith that there is purpose unto heaven and I seek solace in the Natural World and quietly pray as my little boat rocks me. I try to lift the world a bit with my photographs and simple words. It is all I have to give. May it make a small ripple of goodness in this Cosmic Sea we call The Universe.

“One love, one heart, one destiny.”

― Bob Marley